street walker

Doctor: OK. OK. So Peter, I want to get more of a... a picture of where you're coming from. As a therapist, I need background, I need info. After all, you didn't, ah, ah, you didn't just spring into being as you are now, huh? So let's start with your childhood, anywhere you want, just tell me something about yourself.

Peter: This morning I thought of a design for buttons that fold in half.

D: I'm not sure I follow.

P: Well, you know how hard it is to get a jacket buttoned sometimes? Because you have to force the button through the hole, and sometimes the hole is a little too small?

D: Ah, no, no Peter, I can't say that I have. Now, let's, ah, let's narrow in a bit, shall we?

P: You've never had an issue with your buttons?

D: No. Now, Peter, as your doctor, as your therapist, I need you to concentrate. I need you to help me.

P: Pretty tall words for a prostitute.

D: Excuse me?

P: You're a prostitute. A street walker. You take my money, you listen to my problems. You're like a surrogate friend with a cordial demeanor and a cash flow problem.

D: Peter, this isn't appropriate and this isn't the way therapy works. Now, I'm going to have to be quite firm: Tell me about your childhood.

P: Don't you talk down to me, slut.

D: Now Peter, I'm just not

P: You walk around, flashing your credentials. Oh yeah, the seamier patients, the real nuts, they're farther down the line, aren't they? You're not going to be one of them, are you doc? Are you? Listening to perverts talk about jacking off in public for the dough to get a few new ties with ugly patterns, prescribing Zoloft to Mormon couples who aren't fucking enough. No, no, no, you're the big doctor, sure you might open up those hirsute legs of yours once in a while, let a mental case into that steaming pit of returned deli meat for a 55 minute session, but it's just a day job, right?

D: Peter, stop. Just stop.

P: Your gaping mental pussy, just open for everyone to come and deposit their problems? Why not just put a sign on your head, 'Use my mind! Get a load off right here!' What the fuck does your wife think? What do your kids think about you selling yourself like this, putting on a cool demeanor and a welcoming smile for every degenerate who's willing to use you and doesn't mind an annoying billing procedure?

oh yes, yes, i knew richard

dear man. dear, dear man. he'd grasp my hands and my skin would fold in his folds, as it were, and is in the retelling, sooth. he'd stare at me with his dark, light, black, white blue eyes and scream the names of all the gods in my ear, but in a whisper. lust. yes, i lusted then, lusty lust lusted. i lusted again in 1994, i believe. but he was such a warm man, such a nice, warm, tremendously gabardine filling man

a case of mistaken identity? decision for the reader!

[Constable Higgins]: Well Lord Cunt, I can't hold my tongue any longer. A man who slanders the name of William Shakespeare is worse than scum. You, sir, are Hitler.

[Lord Cunt]: No I'm not!

[C.H.] Oh, you're a wily one, aren't you Mr. . . . Oh I'm sorry, I didn't catch your name?

[L.C.] Cunt.

[C.H.] Naturally.

[L.C.] No, I'm Lord Cunt.

[C.H.] Precisely the name that Adolf Hitler himself would devise to fool a bonny Englishman. Too bad for you that this dialogue is boring

your mother's such a bad housekeeper

the biggest spread she ever laid out was when the navy came into port

blast it all

You erstwhile buttock.

a life of brilliance

Edgar (turning from father's casket): Oh, Henry!

Henry: What, like the chocolate bar?

Edgar: If only I could have your strength, dear Henry. Your stamina.

Henry: At night I eat the dog food.

Edgar: Father would be so proud. He told everyone he knew; "My Henry is the brightest lad in all the land!"

Henry: Yes, I remember when he put the lampshade over my head.

the new adventures of sherlock holmes

sherlock you have a mortage you're depressed you put your pipe down and now you don't pick it up. you went to the aquarium and cried into some baleen

eat

put it in your digest road send it off it's nothing to you? but other corn hash? a moral question.

death is coming

jk it's your mother your mother hates you and she's coming to tell you that she hates you asshole

turd welder

a business passed from my grandfather to my father, my father to me, and now it is my duty to make sure that what you pass can be turned into any of a variety of useful money saving devices. make a rope of turd, cordon off sections of your street and scream for hours in the middle of the road. create a superstructure for a grand project with your waste and then let me wait in the wings as your whole ill-conceived business empire crumbles around you

time to go camping kids

ive got on my militaristic brown shorts. legs like 4x4s, knees like draped burritos. a charmer in my youth don't you know ok into the windstar. later you'll defecate in a hole under my direction and i'll refer to your labored excreting as a 'spirit quest.' share my good humor or be rolled

MangaMom

President of United States Barack "Husserl" Obama: mangaMom we are in a state of emergency... we need your manga powers!

mom: hahahha what

MangaMom

me: Mom! You can't read all that manga!

mom: ruh-roh

MangaTech

MangaTech

First date

First date with "Sandra" (not her real name, of course) today. I'm still kind of jittery writing this, I'm going to smoke a little to stave off the shaking. I thought things were going pretty well with us... we were watching "Seinfeld" on my computer and sitting on the bed. I was the "larger spoon." Anyway, as we were watching I felt my penis engorge and begin to rise, presumably from the proximity of "Sandra." I immediately froze - she was sure to feel my reckless masculinity - so I tried to play it off a crease in my pants. When I reached down to quickly flip my virgin penis into my waistband, my hand caught on a loop....

Sandra was confused because it really hurt when I jammed my finger in that belt loop. I was sitting there yelping and yowling and this dang boner wouldn't go away so of course it was bobbing up and down as I tried to disentangle myself. 

I ran into my mom's room and cried for a while. Sandra came to the door and told me it was ok, and that I shouldn't cry, but I had mother send her away. 

i'm totally alone

i've covered my entire body with microwaveable meals. amy's lasagna, full bodied, excellent sauce. resting on my head as i hope to rest my weary body from this dread existence.

elaine and jerry have such a special relationship

no one loves me. i wish i had their relationship :( i would like to be with a woman and have jerry and george's relationship  too i think it would be spunky and resilient

oh no harry

you like to suck that dementor's peepee... :) too bad i am for some reason here? what a great storyline.

no. no it isn't it fucking sucks. listen you subhumans if you can't put at least some level of believablity into a fan fiction why write it? why not just go die somewhere?

what the fuck have you done

shit that's what you've done you are worthless. you go into a store to pick up some watermelon for moommmy because you want to please her. haha you squeezed the melons and your idiot penis moved. it moved from squeezing some melons because you are pathetic and haven't been laid in almost a year. you are a bald, shapeless piece of shit. when you go up to the cash register you bang your shin. as you wince in pain, your greasy face squinches up until it resembles a pucked baby dick

when i grow up

when i grow up i am going to stomp you in the face you piece of shit @__+

suck my freaking chode anyone and anything associated with when you grow up or where you grow up or whatever the fuck. suck your lips into an asshole like it was a coke bottle

wow who let this drama llama into the room

blow its fucking head off i'll shit on it

chilean neonazi/hatecore gal ~__~ love blossoms

got a msg on slsk about joining a hatecore room now talking with a chilean girl who is "fascist and anti-comunism" so i guess it's tuesday?__?

skilled hands

costco cashier giving me a look... love the way her wrists strain with effort as she efficiently and brutally swipes my club card. no wasted movement, just jam that plastic and rip it out. stimulate my prostrate and milk me in most swift and punishing fashion i will flash fascist imagery on my 1080p widescreen television

i'm going to run you off the frickin road

you just got Yaris'd bitch

tomorrow i'm going to fall in love

i'm going to meet a qt and fall in love. i will engage in mutual grooming with a caring partner

i saw a goddess

i was listening to some boredoms and just chilling and i walked over to get a caramel machiato (grande) from this vietnamese place. there was an obese girl there with chopsticks + a flower in her hair and she had a death note t-shirt

her (to cashier...): i would like a beef bowl

me (behind her): ~__~ *nosebleed starts* you can get a lower sodium version of that... urkle

she didn't hear me though ;_; plus i got blood on my diatom sketchbook

:-ID buan giarno

Hello! Welcome to my new blog. Fans will remember that I ran a small IT support blog a while back for friends. It quickly grew out of hand and I had to take a break due to IRL issues :-P but I'm back now!

Yes, before you ask, I still love feces. Observant fans will remember that I'm just a little bit of a corprophiliac... ok, a lot of one XD. On the other hand, I'm happy with myself and who I am, so I guess if you don't like it you can just f*ck off.

Wow, there's so much to blog about! Where to begin.... Well first of all I'm not a virgin anymore. I went to Fanime last year and... well that's a story for another time ;). I've also gained a lot of weight, unfortunately. I keep trying to lose it, but to no avail. Curse your buttery goodness, hostess!

On another sad note, the weight gain caused me to lose my job cashiering at SaveMart. I was capable of working, but ever day I'd go into work I'd have to brace myself for a deluge of insults. "Jumbo" was a particular favorite of these ignorant hicks, and they thought it was hilarious to butter my up while I lay helpless in an abandoned aisle and then use my unwilling body to surf around on the linoleum. So, guess what fuckshits? I quit. Good riddance .

Ugh. Too angry... I better calm down. Goodbye for now....